Dave Says...
- Dave Ramsey
- 6 hours ago
- 11 min read
YOUR FINANCIAL WELLNESS
Dave Says: Broke people can’t help broke people
Dear Dave,
My wife and I have been married for less than a year, and we’re already having disagreements over money. I love her, and one of the reasons I do is because she has such a giving heart. The problem is I feel like she’s taking this too far. Often, she will give money to family and friends. Most of the time I wouldn’t mind this, as long as the person really needed help. But often she will do this, and we end up short when it comes to taking care of our bills, paying off debt and saving. How can I approach her about this without causing more stress in our relationship?
Jacob
Dear Jacob,
Your wife’s heart is in the right place. And generosity is a very attractive quality in a person. Still, that doesn’t make what she’s doing a good idea right now.
I’m going to be blunt with you, okay? This kind of behavior is financially irresponsible. Her intentions are admirable, but she’s going overboard. If it’s causing stress in your marriage, and you two are having trouble taking care of your own financial obligations, you have every right to be frustrated.
I want you to really hear this: Broke people can’t help broke people. By this, I mean only the strong can help the weak. Right now, you two should be working together—as a team—to get your own financial house in order. And by that, I mean working hard to become debt-free, then saving up a fully loaded emergency fund. Once that’s done, you should start setting something aside for retirement. Then, and only then, once all that has been taken care of, and you have a friend or family member who’s truly in financial need, you can give whatever you both agree is a proper, affordable amount.
Look, I’m a big giver at my business and in my personal life. But you two need to take care of yourselves right now. Sit down with your wife, and gently explain this to her. She’s a good lady, Jacob. Praise her for her giving heart. But at the same time, show her what’s happening with your own finances and how you’ll be better able to help the people around you once you pay off your debt, and start saving money.
God bless you both.
Dave Says: Learning to forgive yourself
Dear Dave,
I started following your plan at the first of the year. It was one of my New Year’s resolutions. I even budgeted for Christmas each month. I’ve already gotten my holiday shopping done early, but in the process, I went a little crazy and overspent. Realistically, I know things will be okay. I stayed on track all year until now, but I’m still feeling ashamed about blowing my budget this month after doing so well the rest of the year. Do you have any suggestions for dealing with the guilt and getting motivated again?
Madelyn
Dear Madelyn,
You decided to take control of your finances nearly a year ago. And up until just recently it sounds like you were doing a great job. Lots of folks make mistakes in the first year. It’s only natural when you’re trying on a completely new behavior, whether it’s with money or something else.
You’ve already made the decision to change your life, and a few spending mistakes this month doesn’t change that. It also doesn’t wipe out nearly a year’s worth of discipline and hard work. So, I’m proud of you! And for what it’s worth, I give you permission to stop beating yourself up, and start moving forward again.
Most people don’t take time to identify where they want to go in life, or how to get there. They just shuffle along. They blame situations, circumstances and even other people, for where they are. Some even think it’s someone else’s job to take care of them. That’s called being a child. Children do what’s fun in the moment, and they don’t plan ahead. Adults devise a plan. They stick to it. And, they don’t let one little mistake ruin a whole year’s worth of work.
After I went broke years ago, I made plenty of mistakes in the process of learning a new, and better, way of handling money. Do yourself a favor, okay? Think back to all those months when you were doing so well. You’ve already proven you can make this thing work. So please, don’t let one bad month overshadow a year’s worth of great work. Kicking a bad habit is hard. It’s tough. And no one—I repeat, no one—does it perfectly.
I want you to focus on the future, Madelyn. Clean up this one, little mess. Then put it behind you, and promise yourself you’ll pay more attention going forward to your spending when the holidays and special occasions come around.
You can do it!
Dave Says: Eating out? You’re spending more than you think
Dear Dave,
What’s one unique step you took at any point in your life to save money that anyone is capable of doing if they put their mind to it?
Jeff
Dear Jeff,
As I always say, living on a written, monthly budget is a key factor in getting out of debt, staying out of debt and saving money. As for a “unique” step we took to save money — maybe it wasn’t that unique — but after going broke, we stopped eating out at restaurants. I mean completely. No pizza nights and no drive-thrus. Not even little things off the value menu. During the work week, we ate breakfast and dinner at home, and for lunch, I brown-bagged it. Every. Single. Day. On weekends, we ate all three meals at home both days. Nothing fancy, just good, simple food.
And it made a huge difference. Most folks don’t realize how much money they spend eating out. A quick breakfast here, a fast-food lunch there … it’ll drain your bank account fast if you’re not careful. But when you’re broke, you’re broke. You’ve got to look at that person you see in the mirror every morning and admit it. Then, you have to start living like it.
In other words, stop acting rich when you’re broke. That means doing basic, common sense things like I said earlier. Cut down on your spending, and learn to live on a written, monthly budget — one where every dollar is accounted for and has a job to do — before the month begins. Otherwise, you’re just digging yourself deeper and deeper into a financial hole.
Anybody can take control of their finances once they become intentional about changing their behavior with money and motivated about changing their lives. Then, when you’ve gotten control of your money, you can go out and celebrate with a really nice steak dinner. But until then, if you’re struggling financially, the only time you should see the inside of a restaurant is if you’re working there.
To make money. To get out of debt. And save!
Dave Says: Learning to delay gratification is part of maturing emotionally
Dear Dave,
I know a big part of your teaching centers around the importance of learning to delay gratification. You seem to believe reaching a level of maturity where you can do this is essential to attain the things in life that are really important. But this can be hard sometimes, no matter how old you are or how mature you happen to be. Do you have any suggestions for someone struggling to reach this point?
Brent
Dear Brent,
You’re right, it is hard. Sometimes it’s very difficult to leave the dinner table when someone’s asking if you want another piece of pie. And harder still to go from there to taking a nice, long walk instead. But learning to delay pleasure is part of the process when it comes to growing up emotionally.
When you’ve practiced it long enough, I think your mind starts to make the connection. You begin to realize that what’s waiting down the road—if you’ll just apply some forethought and discipline—is way better than whatever happens to be sitting in front of you at the moment.
Here’s a quick personal example. The last thing I wanted to do today was get up really early, and go for a long walk. But the thing is, I know in my mind that I feel so much better the entire day when I get in a little roadwork first thing in the morning. That’s why I made myself get out of bed before sunrise, and just do it.
I think the whole process starts in the brain, then works its way to the heart, where it promotes understanding—and mature actions. So, if you think about it, it’s really an intellectual behavior that influences will. You have to logically and intellectually grasp the concept, then think about where you’re going, and where you’ll end up, as a result of your actions.
It works for me, Brent. I hope it helps you, too!
Dave Says: Rewards, responsibility and teachable moments
Dear Dave,
Our son is a freshman in high school, and he has the opportunity to take a school-sponsored, week-long trip next year with the rest of his class. The student fee is $500. Over the past couple of years, he has started making money mowing lawns and doing odd jobs around the neighborhood. We’ve always taught him that money comes from work, and he has always been very focused on being smart with the money he earns. Do you think we should cover the entire $500, or should he have to contribute something?
Patrice
Dear Patrice,
When it came to making these kinds of decisions at our house, my wife and I would always take a look at a few things. Is the kid behaving? Are they getting good grades? You know, just basic things that can reasonably be expected from most teenagers. Most of the time, if they were living like well-behaved, responsible young people, we’d pay for things like this as a reward.
But, there’s a good argument to be made for a kid having some skin in the game at that age, too. If you and your husband can pay for it without causing yourselves any financial stress—and your son is fulfilling his responsibilities at school and at home—there’s nothing wrong with you paying the fee. Then, here’s an idea. If you want to make this a teachable moment, another learning experience, you could require him to work, and save up his own spending money for the trip.
I’m glad you and your husband are thinking of your teenage son as an adult in training. I know you love him, but it’s also a parent’s job to teach their children what they need to know for that moment when you send them off to college, trade school or even their own apartment and their first real, full-time job. Trust me, you don’t have to be a finance professor to teach your child how to save money and wisely manage their finances.
Patrice, I’m so impressed with the young man you’re raising. To have that kind of drive and maturity at his age is a testimony to him, and to how well you and your husband have taught and guided him throughout the years. I have no doubt your son will be well-prepared to take on the world one day.
In the meantime, I hope he has lots of fun on his upcoming trip!
Dave Says: The healing process will take time
Dear Dave,
I went through a divorce earlier this year, and I was granted custody of our children. They’re 13 and 18. The house we live in is paid for, and it’s worth about $450,000. I also don’t have any other debt. My ex-husband has been very good about paying child support, and I have $175,000 in savings. Should I be investing at this point?
Michele
Dear Michele,
I’m really sorry to hear about the divorce. I know the whole situation, regardless of the financial situation, is very hard on you and your kids. Do yourself, and them, a favor, okay? Make sure you spend a ton of quality time with them. Hug them a lot, pray and let them know how much you love them every single day.
Now, let’s get to the nuts and bolts of your situation. Fortunately, it sounds like things are pretty good financially. At the very least, you’ve got a net worth of over $600,000. But here’s the thing. I’m sure the trauma of having your life upended is still very painful. That being the case, I wouldn’t recommend making any big decisions now. It’s never a good idea to make important, long-range plans when your emotions are messed up.
When it comes to the money you have in savings, my advice is to just let it sit there a while. I know it won’t make much money, but you won’t lose anything, either. Then, in a few months when your emotions are in a better place, you can look into investing some of that into good growth stock mutual funds. Find a quality advisor, one with the heart of a teacher, who can walk you through the process and explain your options and investments in ways you’ll understand completely. Knowledge has a way of erasing fear and uncertainty.
Finally, at some point you’ll need to take a look down the road, and decide what you want to do with the rest of your life. Do you want to go back to school? Maybe start your own business? Take a little time later to allow for thought, education and deciding what you want out of life now. But above all, Michele, please spend lots of time with your kids. Also, if you’re not currently in a good church, I’d suggest finding one nearby. Those things will help so much with the healing process.
God bless you all.
Dave Says: There’s no fun in dysfunctional
Dear Dave,
My husband and I are both 25. We’ve been married just over a year. I’m a stay-at-home mom, and we have one baby. Because I’m home with our son and my husband works outside the home, he believes he gets to make all the financial decisions. He eats out and buys whatever he feels like but tells me I can’t do the same. He says getting to be at home all day and having things like television, electricity and air conditioning are my luxuries. I try to be understanding because he works hard, but this is causing real tension between us. Do you have any advice?
Christina
Dear Christina,
There’s just no other way to say this: You married a child in a man’s body. He’s treating you like a second-class citizen, and I’m truly sorry you’re finding out the hard way that your husband’s a twit. This is just about the most dysfunctional thing I’ve ever heard.
I want you to really pay attention because I’m about to stack how things should be up against how they stand. When you’re married, regardless of who earns the money, you both have an income. You each have a say in where every single one of those dollars goes. My wife hasn’t worked outside the home in about 40 years. But she has an incredible income because we have an incredible income — together. And we, together, decide what to do with our income.
Are you understanding these words clearly? None of this is happening in your marriage. Just because I earn an income at my job and my wife doesn’t have an earned income personally, that doesn’t invalidate her power or right to a vote within our household. She has exactly the same rights I do — morally, spiritually and legally.
This is not okay, Christina. None of it. You are living in a majorly dysfunctional marriage, and it’s something I can’t fix within the confines of a column. Some marriage counseling is way overdue here. And if he won’t go with you as a couple, you go alone. All I can do is confirm that you’re not the crazy one here. The feelings you have about things being really messed up are 100% spot-on.
At the very least, I think your whole family desperately needs to get involved with a good, strong, local church. I’m talking about a healthy church. One that doesn’t support your husband’s ridiculous, backwards ideas. One that has some real men who can teach this little boy how to be a man. Because true masculinity is service-oriented. A real man serves his wife, and he serves his children. And that isn’t happening here.
— Dave
* Dave Ramsey is a nine-time national bestselling author, personal finance expert and host of “The Ramsey Show.” He has appeared on “Good Morning America,” “CBS Mornings,” the “Today” show, Fox News, CNN, Fox Business and many more. Since 1992, Dave has helped people take control of their money, build wealth and enhance their lives. He also serves as CEO for Ramsey Solutions.
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