Reflections: A journey revisited

Regular readers know I’m a cancer survivor, over 17 years now. A couple of years ago, I shared from my “cancer chronicles” blog about my faith journey during that time. Some recent conversations have prompted me to share it again, so I pray this slightly-condensed retelling benefits someone. 

How was all this impacting my faith? 

Growing up in Assemblies of God churches, I heard of, and even saw, miraculous healings. Other people, though, including my own mother, died from illnesses despite strong faith, or were killed in accidents. I had been taught to trust God, no matter what. 

Then we spent a couple of years in churches which taught that if you continue to be sick, something is wrong with your faith. It was pretty hard to reconcile my husband’s Type 1 diabetes, or his mom’s faithful witness and worship during her own battle with cancer, with that line of thinking. Studying the Scriptures following a teaching session that was flat-out unbiblical, we realized that we are to pray for the sick, and must trust God regardless of the answer or timing. 

So, with all that running through my mind after finding out I needed colon cancer surgery, I began to pray: for peace in my heart, for healing, for grace to endure whatever I had to go through, and for God to use all this to reach someone who might not otherwise hear about Him. 

Christian music, from old-time gospel to classic hymns to contemporary worship, has been a big part of my life, so it was natural I would turn to music for reminders of God’s love. The Sunday before my diagnostic colonoscopy, I asked my son and daughter to lead the song “Healer” as a prayer special at the church where we served as music directors. God also used the song “Still” (“Father, you are King over the flood; I will be still, and know you are God” to remind me of his presence; and a fellow church staff member gave us a plaque of Psalm 46:10 as a Christmas gift. (Note: that’s still my go-to verse!) 

However, there have been many times I felt angry and betrayed. Times I didn’t understand why so many things had gone wrong for us. Times I wasn’t sure it was worth the effort to keep fighting. Through some financial woes and other issues, I had hung onto the thought that at least we had our health; now that was on shaky ground. 

I have spent entire days being mad at God. That doesn’t sound very spiritual, does it? But the reality is, He isn’t fooled; it’s better to cry out in frustration than to try to say the “right” things and deny our feelings. And in the end, I have concluded, with the writer of Ecclesiastes, that the important thing is to fear God and keep his commands. If God never did another good thing for me, He would have done the ultimate thing: Jesus’ death on the cross for my sins. That realization has taught me to be thankful. I have been given many blessings; it’s just hard to see them from behind the wall of cancer, but music is one of them. I have often just sat down at the piano and cried out to God, to focus my thoughts on Him. 

Another reminder of God’s faithfulness has been faithful friends. Some sent flowers and cards. My husband’s stepmother was at the hospital during my surgery and waiting to help when I got home. The church where we did music ministry, as well as one we previously attended and one I served as a fill-in pianist, brought meals. Families picked up our son for Scouts, homeschool co-op and orchestra; and the day I arrived home after surgery, the family who drove Luke home unloaded meal after meal into our freezer! Through all this, I found that a big antidote for self-pity is to be thankful. 

Another helpful thing during all this was apologetics ministry, such as Answers in Genesis. While an intellectual and reasoned view of God is no substitute for a relationship with Him, I have studied alternatives to believing the Bible and find they come up short. On the days I just don’t “feel” like God is there, I know He is there anyway. I still have days when I wonder, “Why?” But God is God, and I’m not, and not trusting Him is not an option. 

The expanded “cancer journey” blog is at www.cynthiajthomas.com. Let me know if I can be praying with you!