Breakfast at Tiffany’s: The unique agony of motherhood lost

He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young. Isaiah 40:11

Something I am learning in my walk with God is how specific He is when He speaks to us personally. What connects with one of His children may not always connect with another. Therefore, He will find ways to reach us based on our experiences, our culture, our gender and our deepest longings. That is exactly what He did for me one time recently.

Many of us are acquainted with the devastation of divorce, especially when children are involved. Broken trust and betrayal, custody battles and court-ordered visits, often create emotionally scarred individuals. Unfortunately, this was my experience as a young mother of three children. I grieved the pain I saw my kids endure through that time and wished there was some way I could take it all away. Due to situations beyond my control, the following years brought long periods of separation from them that made me feel as though my motherhood was being maliciously stolen from me. Though my kids are all grown now, certain triggers can send me back to those traumatic moments of loss. I see their little faces again, long for the days when they needed me, and grieve the milestones missed that we will never get back. So many times, when I thought I had healed, a picture or memory would send me back to that dark place where the tears would flow, and the pain pierced my heart and stole my breath. In those moments, I have often cried out to God and asked, “How do I let go when being their mother was everything to me? How do I let go of my need to nurture someone when it is ingrained so deeply within your design for me as a woman?”

There is an agony unique only to a woman who has carried the hopes and dreams of another life inside of her only to have them stolen away—whether it be through death, separation, rebellion, or estrangement. Telling her to simply “let it go” is like asking her to cut her heart out of her chest and keep on living. So how does a mother move forward from something that feels so paralyzing? I asked God the same question recently, and He answered through something Jesus said to His own mother when He was dying on the cross. I had read it a million times before, but this time it came alive in a completely different way when I imagined the anguish Mary was feeling at that moment.

“When Jesus therefore saw his mother, and the disciple standing by, whom he loved, he saith unto his mother, Woman, behold thy son! Then saith he to the disciple, Behold thy mother! And from that hour that disciple took her unto his own home” (John 19:26-27).

When Jesus called Mary “woman,” I believe he was speaking directly to her gender. He was speaking to the nurturer in her. In the wake of the unbearable loss she was experiencing with the brutal death of this Son of her womb, He gave her a new calling. That calling was not meant to replace what Jesus had been to her, and it certainly wouldn’t take away the sting of His death. But it gave her hope to keep living—serving others in remembrance of Him.

Are you a mother who has experienced unbearable loss or heartbreak when it comes to your children? God doesn’t expect you to simply let go and move on. Rather, He asks that you place your grief into His loving hands. In return, He will give you joy for today, hope for tomorrow, and a calling that will keep you fulfilled. And in those moments when the pain feels too hard to bear, He will gently and lovingly hold your heart—just like you held your precious children when they were small.